Not so Happy Tuesday

Last night at 7:30pm, the lawyer friend I've been working for since November called me to let me know he'd be by tomorrow morning (today) with some documents we needed to get together and get fedexed out. He'd blown me off Friday and Saturday, and hadn't called till now, so I wasn't too pleased with him, and all I said was "ok" (whatever). Then he told me how his stomach had been acting up all weekend, and I thought he was making excuses to get back on my good side, and I wasn't too sympathetic.

At about 10pm, his wife called me, hysterically sobbing.

He was dead.

Would I call his sister?

Of course.

First I called his ex-wife... the mother of his children. My bed-side manner left much to be desired, but to be fair, I was in shock. I'd only heard 2 minutes before, and all I could say was, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but J's dead.

She said something like, please tell me you're not serious. Then I went into the limited details I knew: He'd had a heart attack. She let me know that he'd been to see his daughters earlier in the day, and they'd all commented to her how bad he looked. I just kept saying, I'm so sorry. She asked me to get more details, like where he was...

Then I called the sister. Cel phone off. Left her a voice mail saying to call me ASAP. Then I called the hospital, told them who I was and asked for whatever details they could give me... Paramedics brought him in an ambulance. By the time he'd arrived at the hospital, he wasn't breathing on his own, but he did die there, at the hospital.

Called back the ex and told her. She told me she'd told their daughters. Then i called her middle daughter's close friend to let her know her friend needed her.

I started going through my cel phone and carefully choosing who to call next. Which lawyer did he trust the most. Who was absolutely the cleanest? Completely beyond reproach? I made my choice, and called his wife, also a close friend of J's to tell her first - J had introduced the 2 of them.

I've felt like the Angel of Death since 10pm last night.. and all throughout the day today. It's not a good feeling at all... being the messenger of bad news.

There's a lot to be done, clients to be contacted, affairs to be arranged. It's definitely not pretty, and I still feel pretty numb... though I'm sure that will end the moment I see his daughters. I'm just not sure I'm ready to do that while I'm still immersed in dealing with the business end of things. There are quite a few loose ends that need to be sewn up and quickly.

There's so much more to this, but I don't feel comfortable publicizing it. All I'll say is this, and it ties back into an earlier post:

Addictions will kill you if you don't deal with them head on.
Acknowledging them is not enough.
I guess that is my lesson from all this.

I'm actually feeling angry and disappointed about the whole situation. What a waste of a great mind.

Addiction.
Heart Attack.
Dead.

There were many opportunities to step back, take stock and get well over the past 7 months. Three huge eye-openers such as - prostate cancer! - a car accident that should have been fatal and didn't leave a mark! - another hospitalization just 2 weeks ago for an infection gone haywire. Nothing worked. I feel like God was trying so hard to tell him, "You're special. I'm not letting you go without a fight! You have so much more to do here! Wake Up!!!"

The addiction won.
It wouldn't release him.
He wouldn't fight hard enough against it.
He wouldn't give in and go into rehab.
And now his beautiful daughters have no father.

The diet is feeling rather unimportant today, but I'm still on it and sticking to it. There was a momentary death=shiva=food moment in a small section of my brain, but the larger, dedicated part of my brain knocked the weakling devil to the ground and ate some protein. I haven't exercised yet today - there just hasn't been time - but as soon as I get a call from the lawyer I picked (who's currently meeting with the wife), I'll take a nice ride. I could use a pretty sunset.

And I got one.

Happy Memorial Day

It's 8am and I woke up like a shot at 5 feeling surprisingly un-sore considering the amount of cycling yesterday. Then again, I haven't actually tried sitting on a bicycle seat yet, so who knows. Since I woke up so early, I've been tweaking my Big Brother blog for the past 3 hours - 5 weeks till the show starts, and I mean to be ready for it! All my ducks in a row, so to speak.

I'm heading over to a Memorial Day service on the Key Biscayne Village Green at 9, but before I go, just wanted to wish everyone a fun and a safe day!

Oh Dear God

I rode my ass off today.
9:30am - 1:30pm
4:30pm-6:30pm

Legs? Fine.
Hoohoo? Not so much.

Spirit? Exuberant.
Mental Capacity post rides? Hovering near zero.

Diet? Still perfect.

In response

Good morning, World.

I had a comment on my last blog that really gave me pause. Frankly, I found it depressing - not to me personally, but as a concept. So much so that I haven't written on this blog since.

I don't believe in holding on so tightly to our stories or our demons, because I believe it sets us up for failure. Our stories give us an excuse to fail. Instead, I believe in getting out there and moving, period.

Once you've really committed to yourself and your health and your body, you've got to let the rest of the story go, and move on! We've all got a story, a reason for being however fat we are, and while introspection can certainly be a healthy endeavor, it can also be stilting. To me, it just rings of defeat.. and I'm not willing to accept or encourage defeat.

To say, "I have a disease," in reference to food addiction is, to me, absolute crap, a crutch, and
an excuse to fail again and again. When one has a disconnect between the brain and the belly, call a spade a spade, and figure out a way to deal with it, but don't lean on it... it's self-defeating and it's tragic.

If I can leave you with anything, it's this:

• Let go of your story.


• Just be


• Be active of body


• Be mindful of what goes into your mouth


• Be joyful, because you are beautiful and you can do this!

Almost time to go ride! :)

Happy Thursday!

Wow. Incredible session with my trainer this morning!!
Phew. He completely kicked my ass.. in the best possible way.
Tremendous workout!

I really took it easy physically for the prior 2 days,
and I think it's just what the doctor
(and the trainer)
ordered.

Today, I feel completely re-invigorated!! :)

I was up at 7 working on tweaking my Big Brother blog
for the upcoming season,
Then to the gym/trainer.
Just had a yummy breakfast,
gonna work some more,
then go cycling a bit.

I'll post pics later on. :)

OK.. so yesterday I was PMSing to the point that I wanted to damn the diet and eat everything I could find within a 3 mile radius. I managed to stave it off by buying a low carb "treat" that was still within the realm of my program, and satisfied my urge to splurge.

Even so, I gotta tell ya, the urge was STRONG.. so strong I had thoughts of just completely scrapping the diet and all the progress I've made for the "pleasure" of eating to the point where I would have likely become ill.

Today I'm fine. It was just PMS hormone abnormality...
Aaaah the joys of being a woman.

Tuesday Afternoon Survey

I just came across this survey on a myspace weight loss support group, so I thought I'd share my answers with the class. ;)

What's your workout like?
It varies daily.
-Sundays I do a minimum of 3 hours of bike riding.
-Mondays and Thursdays I have a personal trainer.
(cannot afford him, but can't afford not to either)
-Tuesdays I tend to take the day off.
-Wednesday More cycling or treadmill or arc trainer
-Friday Some kinda cardio and a poolates class
-Saturday couple hours of cycling.

How have you benefitted from exercising?
My body feels like a body again, instead of a blob.
I feel like I've taken ownership of my body again, instead of feeling trapped in it.

What challenges have you faced?
5 herniated disks in my neck
RSD (reflex sympathetic dystrophy) in my Thoracic Spine.
I've had both for four years now... Not fun, but I'm not willing to give in anymore.
Dr.'s be damned.

Do you workout at the gym, home, work or somewhere else?
All of the above and more.

Cardio vs. Fatburning. What's the difference?
Well, to my understanding, cardio is when your heart rate is up around 75%
and fat burning is around 50-60%. I focus more on the fat burning. Though cardio feels like I'm doing more, and it's hard to resist, ultimately, it's less what I need.

Weight resistance......machines or free weights?
Both. i love weight training. Always have. I'm not supposed to do it at all anymore but, like I said, I'm done taking no for an answer.


Have you overcome emotional or mental challenges from exercise?
hmmm.. i dunno. I suppose.. just from the endorphin kick. It's hard to be anything but happy when you're riding around the beach of a beautiful island!

Tuesday

Yesterday ended up being a pretty painfilled day.
Hate those.

I ended up not cycling at all,
and just went to my trainer,
who couldn't believe how jacked-up my spine was,
and told me I needed to take it easy the rest of the day,
as there is definitely such a thing as over-exercising.

This morning I feel pretty good.

Somehow last night
all kinds of self-destructive thoughts
crept into my diet mind...
Thoughts of taking a day off from low carbs,
Going for a cafe con leche and a tostada this morning...
(for anyone who doesn't live here in Miami, that's a sugared sweet Latte and Cuban bread, buttered and smushed on a grill - Delicious! and my breakfast of choice when I'm not doing low carbs)
Just eating whatever...

I think it was related to the pain factor,
and I haven't acted on it.

While I'm all for the occassional 'cheat day,'
I just don't think I'm mentally ready yet
to hop off the wagon
and hop right back on the next day.

My cousin's wedding is only 3 weeks away.
I'll save the cheat days for Minnesota.
And maybe not even then...
Just depends on the food.

Monday Monday

Took mom
to her mammogram
this morning, so I
had to postpone my
personal trainer till
the afternoon today.


Here's a pic I took of her yesterday
while we were riding in the park.
Tiny little thing.
She got braces a few months ago,

(here's her grill)

so she's even tinier now
than she used to be.


And here's the cop with the cushiest job
in the Miami Dade Police Department.


Anyhow, while she was in her dr's appt.,
I stopped by Ross
just to try on clothes
and see what i could fit into.


Here's me from yesterday.

I'm happy to report,
unlike last month,
when I couldn't squeeze myself into most 20s,
all the 18s I tried fit,
and all the 16s fit my legs and tush...
but not the belly yet.

Where the hell did this belly come from?

All those "they" people were right
about your body changing after 30.

Used to be everything else could blow up
but my stomach would stay flat.

Not so much anymore!

But... I'm definitely making noticeable progress.

:)

It's just after noon,
and I'm feeling a bit sluggish,
probably cuz I haven't gotten any exercise yet today
so I'm gonna hop on my bike and ride over to the beach
on the north end of the island...

Yup, yup.. gonna show up sweaty for my trainer.
Nasty girl.

Thankful Sunday

Even as I'm sitting here completely exhausted,
I'm feeling very thankful.

Thankful for my legs,
which powered me through
2 good rides today
totalling around 3 1/2 hours.

Thankful that my legs are
realllly starting to feel tight again.
I can see and feel the muscles in there,
and I love it!

Thankful I finally had the
I'm not gonna take no for an answer anymore
breakthrough
in terms what what I can
and supposedly can't do
with all my spinal issues.

Thankful for the sunshine
that finally broke through
and the rain that came before it
making it a nice cool day.

Thankful for the people around me
supporting me
in my journey.

Just feeling thankful tonight
for all that and more.

Ridin' in the Rain

They only look like sunglasses. Today they're sun-goggles! Wish the raindrops all over 'em were more visible, but such is the nature of the cel phone camera.

There's really something to be said for riding in the rain. Kinda feels like being a 10 year old again... in the best possible way. Sure, I got soaked to the bone and absolutely filthy, but both of those go hand in hand with that 10 year old feeling. I'll be doing it again as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

Sunday Morning

I spent much of last night looking for weight loss support groups on myspace, 'cause I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather not do this 100% alone. Trouble is, for all the groups that exist on there, many are really just ads, and most are quite inactive and/or full of people complaining about what they can't do vis-a-vis exercise or diet, instead of figuring out what they can do, and I'm past that point. Looking for positive people, people who are truly ready and committed to themselves. I guess it's a symptom of the situation - people just give up, or they're just not truly ready to even begin.

I did manage to find 2 groups and a couple of individuals that seem active and positive, contacted them and fingers crossed, they'll get back to me.

It's 9:28am, I'm on my second or 3rd(?) cup of coffee, and I'm waiting for the rain to stop!!! I was planning on an early morning bike ride, then breakfast at Boater's Grill in Cape Florida - the state park on the southern end of Key Biscayne... soon as it stops. My alternate was to go to the Health Fair sponsored by local nbc on Miami Beach, but the streets are even more flooded there! Grrrrr...

Could this be G-d's way of telling me to take it easy today? Ha! Fat chance. More likely I'm just supposed to figure out another alternative. I'll give it another hour, do some research on line, and if it still hasn't stopped, I'll pop in the Pilates CD I bought a couple years ago... or the belly dancing one. That was fun!
***
Doh!! lol... then again, I could head over to the gym to do my cardio and a bit of lifting too. Gotta say, I love that that was a complete afterthought. Having always turned to the gym first, for so many years, now that I've re-discovered the great outdoors, the only time I've been going into the gym at the community center is Mondays and Thursdays for personal training. Every other day it's either cycling, Poolates, or walking outside. Yup, yup.. I've now found a new use for the gym - workouts on a rainy day.

The View From Here

What's the point of living
in one of the most beautiful places
in the world
if you don't get out
and enjoy it to its fullest?

Key Biscayne is that place...
while I was out riding today
I had a little epiphany:
For the past few years,
since the accident,
I've been living as a prisoner inside my body...
Inside whatever pain it has to throw at me
on whatever day it is.

I'm done with that now,
and back to challenging
and appreciating my body.

Lemme tell ya,
it feels a whole lot better,
both physically and mentally.
*******
Just got home from a 2 hour ride
Followed by a 1/2 hour walk...

Took this pic with my phone
while i was riding
in Crandon Park
at the northern end of the island.

The colors didn't come out nearly as vibrant
as they are in reality,
but have a look anyway.

Gorgeous! :)


There are definitely cheaper places to live
than Key Biscayne,
but none better.

Drumroll Please...

Today makes 2 weeks of low carbs!

WooHooooo!

I'm happy to report,
I'm also down a size or 2.

When i started,
20s were tight,
and now,
18s are loose.

Onward and downward!

I'm off to buy a bike!
The weather's gorgeous,
and I'm fortunate to live on Key Biscayne,
which is where just about
every cyclist in South Florida
comes to ride.

rough thursday

kinda a rough day yesterday
body/self esteem/self image etc

stemmed from an excercise
my trainer had me doing
that my stomach was in the way
of doing properly

tears followed
minimally
but tears

when i got home later
and put on my khaki's
they were loose
out of the dryer

god provides.

sticking to the diet
and working out
doesn't hurt either.

Tuesday Morning Quickie

I feel like I'm really getting into the swing of everything now. :)
The diet isn't painful.
Food isn't a focus.
Exercise is actually feeling like FUN,
since I re-discovered cycling..

Apart from the sore crotch!
But I'm told I'll get accustomed to the bike seat in time...
And perhaps going 4 hours the first time out wasn't exactly brilliant.
But.. it was FUN!
So much so that I did it again yesterday afternoon.
My inner tush (what you sit on) IMMEDIATELY protested,
but my spirit wanted to ride,
so I did! :)
For about an hour
with an impending storm darkening the sky.
It was still beautiful.
And the cool breeze
- a gift this time of year in south florida-
made me want to ride all the more.

lordy, lordy...
i may finally have a HEALTHY obsession!

woohoo!

Happy Monday!

By jove I think she's got it.

Yesterday,
for mother's day,
at my mother's request,
I went cycling with her...

for four hours.

It was the first time I've been on a bike for at least 4 years,
(since the accident)
(cuz it was on my long list of things I'm not supposed to do)
and it was wonderful
on so many levels.

It was beautiful...
cycling along the beach,
in the parks
that book-end my island.

It was fun!

It made my mom happy.
It made me happy.
It was terrific exercise,
and it was OUTSIDE the gym.

I was waiting on final approval until I felt my spine this morning,
and I'm happy to report, my spine is fine. :)

For the first time in my adult life,
I have an exercise that doesn't require
headphones and a remote control to ward off the boredom.

An exercise that feels more like an adventure!

And... an excellent understanding of
why cyclists wear those silly looking padded shorts
and sometimes ride with their tushies in the air.
OUCH!
At a glance, one would think I came equipped with ample padding,
but one would be dead wrong.

This pic was taken about 3 hours into the ride.
Red-faced from the sun...
Sweating like.. an athlete! :P
Not lookin' pretty at all,
and happy as hell.

For a little update...
I've been PERFECT with the low carbs,
working out regularly,
and making progress. :)

I can feel and see changes all over my body,
both in the way it feels and the way it looks,
from my face down to my ankles,
and especially my core.

It's just a whole lot easier
and more enjoyable
to be inside my skin
right now
than it was
a month
or so
ago.

And off to the trainer I go!

Happy Monday!

:)

Pain Sucks

2:30pm, and I still haven't made it to the gym today...
With the way my spine is still feeling,
i don't think it's gonna happen today.

pain can be a bit overwhelming
occassionally
overwhelming and all-consuming
considering i've been up since like 8am
and i just now had some breakfast...
no carbs

i need to finish the wholesale order i promised to ship out today...
so she can have it in time for mother's day...

beyond that,
i'll be takin it easy today

hate it when my spine revolts

Ouchie

Yesterday's personal training session lasted over 90 minutes.
I didn't realize it till it was over...
Felt great doing all kinds of new poses...
Things I definitely could not have done just a month ago,
cuz i just didn't have the core strength.

This morning, not so great...
For the 1st time since I started,
I feel like some exercise we did
caused me structural pain...
spine stuff...

Today my cervical spine (neck) is not happy...
not happy at all.

I'm hoping it's just a wake up thing...
or a slept on the wrong pillow thing...
which is also entirely possible...

Gonna go do some light cardio and see if i can loosen it up.

Monday Morning Thought

8:07am As I start the week, heading to the trainer at 9:30, the thought I want to focus on is this: It's all about commitment to self. The challenge is to remain equally, if not more, committed to myself than I am to all the other projects that demand my time...

Commitment to self... the key ingredient.

What does that mean? My health, my workouts, etc must remain on the top of my priority/to do list.

P.S. Today is day 3 of low carbs... actually, full blown atkins... going great... and drinking plenty of water...

Sunday Morning

As of yesterday morning, I've decided to do the low carb thing, at least for a couple weeks, in an effort to accelerate weight loss, especially in the belly... and in addition to working out 5-6 days a week.

Something new... after my cardio yesterday (30 tread/20 funky arc machine), i decided to do some weight lifting... for the first time in 4 years. i did legs, which have always been my favorite, and it felt great! i kept the weight light, for now, and just got back into the movement of it... so far so good on the pain front. it felt wonderful (and quite empowering) to be back on my favorite leg machine, even though there was only 90 pounds on it.. knowing i could be lifting 9x as much... and just blowing out the reps and ending on single leg presses.

Now, I'm off to breakfast in the park with mom... Must be Sunday. ;)

happy

ok, it's been a few days since i posted anything... and frankly, a few days since i did anything... took me a couple to recouperate from relay for life, but as of yesterday with paul the trainer and today on my own with cardio, i'm back full force and on program. my intake was good throughout, but the excercise skidded for a few days.

i'm definitely starting to feel small, positive changes with my body, which is such a great feeling... and with that my attitude - i must seem happier, cuz i'm getting lots of compliments... which adds to the self esteem, which adds to the positive outlook, etc etc.. it's all a cycle of positivity... and i'm quite happy to be in the middle of it!

ok, new rule: once a day, list a positive. whether i have time to write anything else or not... list one positive from the day.

today: today i re-confirmed my commitment to myself by exercising, making good food choices and taking the time to do my hair...

****Hair... ok, remind me never to do it myself again... Saturday morning, in the light of day, I noticed, and my mother was kind enough to point out to me, that my dye job was a hideous, freakish mess. Fortunately, my longtime hair person, Iliana, was able to correct the mess without making my hair fall out! Yayyy... On my honor, I will NOT attempt to play colorist to myself again!